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On Quora recently, I (and others) were asked for GMing techniques to help shy players come out of their shells.

As it happens, I already had this article underway, in one of those serendipitous coincidences that stretch credibility to the point of near-fracture.

As it happens, I have 17 techniques to offer by which the GM can help a shy player learn to express themselves. None of them will be sufficient on their own, but some combination is almost certain to unlock the potential within the shy player for self-confidence.

I ought to know – I was a very shy child growing up, and easily intimidated. I still feel social anxiety at times, though I’ve learned to suppress those tendencies to the point where it isn’t normally a problem, even under adverse conditions. RPGs helped me to overcome it, but the process actually began with some public speaking (which is really being thrown in the deep end) – techniques 5 and 9 actually derive from that experience, which I have described before, but will reiterate when we get there.

I’m presenting these in a deliberate sequence that makes sense to me, in terms of placing the discussion into a logical narrative. But first, some preliminaries:

Diffidence is not Shyness

Diffidence and Shyness aren’t quite the same thing, though there can be substantial overlap.

Diffidence

Diffidence is a hesitation in putting your thoughts and ideas forward because you aren’t confident, either in them, or in your ability to express them, or in your capacity for formulating a thought or idea that’s worth the time its examination would require. Quite often, the person exhibiting diffidence will anticipate being embarrassed by the failure of their suggestions, and so avoid this social failure by attempting to avoid attracting attention.

This hesitance frequently ignores the notion of inspiration – just because your idea is no good, or is only part of the answer, doesn’t mean that it can’t suggest a more comprehensive solution to someone else. Even negative or flawed contributions to a brain-storm can be beneficial.

Shyness

Shyness is being nervous or timid in the company of other people. This manifests in an arrested fight-or-flight reaction – the person feels scared, so their adrenalin surges, their breathing becomes more rapid, their heart pounds, and they acquire a rabbit-in-headlights expression. Panic attacks – a sudden overwhelming feeling of acute and disabling anxiety – may be triggered. Shyness often results from feeling intimidated, and feeling intimidated often results from being shy – a catch-22 that is at the heart of this emotion.

Some of the solutions I will present focus on overcoming diffidence more than shyness, some vice-versa, and some can be applied equally to both problems.

Both often show similar outward manifestations – a player who sits back and observes more than they participate, who speaks in hushed tones, who is hesitant and uncertain, and who often has problems making decisions out of fear of doing the wrong thing.

For the rest of this article, as a literary convenience only, I will consider the two to be manifestations of the same underlying condition, and describe them only as “shyness” and the sufferers as “shy”.

I should also add an important caveat:

I am not a psychologist or any sort of trained therapist, just an experienced GM who would do his best to help a friend (or a stranger) enjoy a social activity – but who has some experience on both sides of the equation. If a professional advises against any of these practices in a therapeutic capacity, listen.

The Preliminaries

Before getting into the solutions, there are a few important questions to consider.

Does the player want help?

Few of these will work without the active cooperation of the shy person. It’s important to present them in a positive context when you propose them. “I think the group would benefit from a greater participation by you, and would like to help you achieve that,” for example, or “I think you would have more fun if you were able to interact with the others a bit more and have some ideas on how to help you do that” – accentuating the positive benefits to be gained, and completely ignoring any negatives of the current situation.

If the player tells you, “I’m fine”, don’t try and force them. And don’t nag them about their problem by repeatedly coming back to them with a different potential benefit, that will only feel like you are criticizing them. Instead, simply reply, “Okay – the offer’s on the table if you ever change your mind.” There are some techniques below that are GM-only – implement them, and be patient.

Does the player need help?

Things become a little more serious when the player’s shyness is actively subverting the enjoyment of the game by others. When that is the case, the best solution is to try to arrange some one-on-one gaming outside of, and concurrent with, the group situation. It doesn’t even have to be the same campaign or setting or rules system; choose something that the player will enjoy.

Sell this proposal to the player without reference to his or her shyness – but use it as a means of implementing some of the techniques offered below in a more private setting, and use the player’s interactions at the group game-table as a way of determining which techniques should be carried over.

Of course, the GM-only techniques should be implemented in the group setting.

Does the player have a reason to be shy?

I once knew a girl who was so intimidated by the beauty and success of her sister, a promising actress who had been granted a role in a major Australian TV production, that she became extremely shy and withdrawn. At the same time, she was incredibly proud of her sister’s success and so frightened by the possibility that her condition would harm her sister’s reputation or career that she became even more shy and even neurotic. When I first met her, she could barely whisper, and that only with great hesitation and reluctance. The last time I spoke to her, after an additional 9 months or so of therapy, she was able to smile and say goodbye in an almost-normal tone of voice.

She had a reason to be shy, a psychological one, requiring professional intervention. My experiences with her led directly to my caveat earlier in the article. But it also pointed out something to which a lot of readers might not give sufficient weight: that there can be a legitimate reason for people to be shy, not just a cause for shyness to have become embedded within their personalities.

Some people are afflicted with a stutter, and are shy because it embarrasses them. Some may have suffered some form of physical disfigurement and be self-conscious. It’s even possible for the emotional aftereffects of such injuries to outlast the injury itself.

It’s extremely unlikely that these techniques will be a lot of help in these situations. If the player you are concerned about has a reason for being the way they are, talk the options below over with them and see what they think will help, if anything.

It might be that none of them will help, but something else will – renaming a key NPC or the character name to avoid a stutter trigger, for example.

The Solution Techniques

Okay, with the preliminaries and foundation discussions out of the way, it’s time to get into the solutions!

1. Inhabiting the Character Space

For this technique, you need to help the player find a large, high-quality image that represents their character in their eyes. Before the player speaks, they should look at the image and imagine that it is the character talking. Sometimes, it can even be enough for them to have a mental image of the character in order to implement this technique.

Obviously, the choice of image is paramount; you need a character who looks confident and sincere. An image that looks worried or fearful won’t work, and results are often mixed with an “angry” image.

It’s astonishing how big a difference this simple technique can make.

2. Refuge in numbers

The character and the player are not the same person. Most characters have at least one good stat or skill. Reminding yourself (as the player) that “you have an 18 STR” or whatever before you start to speak and trying to make yourself sound like you are someone with 18 STR (or whatever it is) can also work wonders.

In essence, this technique comes down to pretending that you are confident, even if you aren’t, but using the numbers provides a touchstone to access that pretense internally.

This sometimes doesn’t work well with technique 1, I’m afraid. You can focus on one thing and lose the other. But sometimes, the player can integrate the two into something more effective than either on their own, by looking at the image and reminding themselves that “he” (or “she”) has “18 STR” (or whatever).

3. Shy Player / Shy Character?

It may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes giving a shy player a character to play who is also shy can give the player the confidence to play more forcefully. Suggest that the player “play the character like C3PO in Star Wars” – 3PO may be nervous and hesitant and somewhat cowardly, but he has no problems making sure that others know it!

After a while, the player can grow so comfortable roleplaying that they have no trouble handling a more outgoing character – even if the player themselves remains shy! What’s more, shyness is something that is gradually eroded by this success.

4. Shy Player / Expert Character?

Another technique is to make the character an expert and, as part of your game prep, producing relevant text for the player to read to the group as his character. In effect, you are assisting the player by providing them the results of their character’s expertise; all they have to do is read it as though they know what they are doing.

It’s a funny thing, but some people can read aloud with perfect confidence that they lack when speaking – especially when the words have been issued, ex-cathedra, by the GM.

You can further enhance this with Birthday and Christmas gifts of reference books on subjects that the character knows well and the player doesn’t.

5. Matching Character and Player expertise

Similarly, making the character an expert in some area in which the player has expertise can use the player’s awareness of his expertise and experience to overcome their personal shyness. Every single working day adds to the foundations of upon which this solution rests; all this technique does is tap into that well.

Or you could choose a subject with which the player is interested, rather than one that relates to their profession. For example, let’s say that the player is into science fiction – how could you use that to assist them in D&D?

Well, first you need to make it relevant – so call it “speculative fiction” instead. Then ask the player what he or she thinks is the equivalent to writing novels in the fantasy environment? They might respond that it’s tales told by Bards and Storytellers, or they might speculate about Dwarven Scribes producing scrolls containing fantastic tales. It doesn’t matter, so long as it’s plausible. So, if the character is fascinated by this variety of in-game speculative fiction, what’s his favorite story? Who is his favorite author or Bard? What’s the most recent tale he’s read/heard?

Dropping in-game reminders of this expertise not only gives the character more personality, the expertise itself can translate to a mode of game-play for the character. In a dungeon or other encounter, the character might give forth with “this reminds me of a story…” The character might be given to wild speculation, but they won’t be wrong all of the time, and the exercising of the character’s imagination in this way leads them to ideas of what to do and what might be going in the game.

6. Shy Player / Assertive Character?

Sometimes, a shy player responds better to being pushed out of their comfort zone by playing a character who is extremely assertive. Of course, this technique conflicts with technique number 3. This is particularly effective at overcoming diffidence – a character who is headstrong, who doesn’t try to explain what he thinks is happening but simply acts, right or wrong leaves no time for hesitation.

If the character’s choice of action is actually wrong, have the other PCs stop him in character. If the character is right, even if the other players don’t think so, they don’t stop him in time. And remember that he can always be right for the wrong reasons!

7. Table Position

I wrote about this subject in The Arcane Implications of Seating at the Game Table – was it really more than 5 years ago?! Essentially, you have two choices: put the shy player next to you so that you can naturally turn to them first (see 8 below) and can hear them even when shyness makes them whisper or mumble; or have them face you (see 14 below).

There are lots of factors that go into determining the seating order around the game table. For the Zenith-3 campaign, I usually have the player of the Team Leader next to me, and another player is usually opposite me to the right because that gives them access to the power point. But sometimes, when the plot is a mystery, I might have the player of the Detective character sit next to me, and so on. Accommodating shyness in this way is just another criterion to take into account.

8. Going Round and Round

I never let an opportunity to go around the table pass me by. When PCs are having their own little plotlines, I’ll do so. When there’s a group discussion, I’ll do so, to make sure that everyone has the chance to have their say. When requiring character saves or skill checks, I will do so.

Sometimes I will vary the starting position in this routine. Whichever way I go, the goal is to end up at a specific character. If it’s a policy decision by the PCs, that’s the team leader, who has the final say. If it’s a strategy discussion, it’s the field commander, for the same reasons. If it’s a surprising situation that the characters weren’t expecting, they react in speed order (or initiative sequence). In some role-playing situations, it may be a different PC’s player, because they have the greatest relevant expertise.

Unless a shy player was deliberately going to be last in this sequence, he should always be first to speak. Letting other players go first enables the shy player to simply agree – effectively hiding in the corner without contributing, even if they have another idea.

But this requires active intervention on the part of the GM when other players criticize any suggestion put forward by the shy player to ensure that it is phrased in a positive way, not a negative (or worse, personal) way. I do this by putting my two cent’s worth (ex-cathedra) after the shy player has spoken: “[Shy Player’s PC]’s plan would work if it weren’t for [X] – [Next PC to speak], do you have any thoughts on how it could be improved to cope with that?”

9. Working From Prepared Notes

When I was in 3rd class, my school had an eisteddfod. One of the events was a public speaking contest, but they had only one entry, from a year 12 student (called 6th form at the time) – nine years my senior, in the final year of school before entrance to University. The subject was Nuclear Power, and the student had been researching and preparing for weeks. The teachers knew that I was interested in science, so the morning of the contest, when no other participants had come forward, they begged me to do something on the subject. No pressure, because no-one expected anyone with so little prep time to succeed, and failure would not be reflected on my record.

I went home immediately and spent the next few hours thinking about the subject and listing talking points on a sheet of paper, practiced it twice, then went back to the eisteddfod, and proceeded to (very nervously) talk off the top of my head on each talking point in succession – which I had arranged in a reasonably logical sequence.

My opponent had prepared his talking points on index cards, which he had carefully typed up; they contained more facts, something I was ready to concede. His problem was that my off-the-cuff narrative had already dealt with the objections that he thought insuperable, derailing his arguments, and shaping the debate between us in a way that he hadn’t prepared to counter. So he started trying to rearrange his speech on the fly, reading from one index card and then shuffling through the deck to find the next point in a horribly disjointed manner. I knew the subject at least as well as he did, and even I had trouble following what he was talking about.

It didn’t surprise anyone, after seeing this performance, when I was the unanimous winner. (And my rival was the first person to congratulate me, even before the verdict, which was good of him).

Not bad for someone who was so shy I almost wet my pants on stage!

And that’s the key point to this technique for overcoming shyness – have the player come up with little talking points and anecdotes for his character to present. He may be shaky at first, but the inevitable rehearsal in private that comes from preparing these in advance will begin to make itself felt, and eventually he will be coming up with things off-the-cuff in the course of play.

On it’s own, this technique will probably not be enough, but in conjunction with others, it can be very effective.

10. Shy Players with Assertive Players

Just as some players are shy, others are assertive. Some GMs refer to the latter as “Alpha Players”, and there is a truism that the two should never mix at the same game table.

Alphas tend to grow frustrated by the hesitance and indecision of the shy, and the shy tend to be intimidated by Alphas.

Most of the advice I’ve seen on the subject recommends either splitting them up or deputizing the alpha to coax suggestions out of each of his fellow players.

I have another technique – I make the PC of the alpha player an unofficial “big brother” to the PC of the shy player in-game. It might be that they remind him of a puppy that they used to have, or their real little brother who [insert tragic circumstance]. Most alpha players have a high opinion of their abilities (and sometimes that’s even justified) and will relish the chance to show off their roleplaying chops and the additional challenge involved. It only takes a hint or two that their PC is getting the impression that the shy player’s PC is being intimidated into silence by the forceful presentations of the others (never make it them who’s the problem) and they will make it their role-playing mission to elicit the opinions of the shy player – and without even realizing it will, in the process, moderate their own behavior.

This is a variation on that “usual advice”, but differs in that it is oriented around their characters, which makes it far more palatable and interesting to all concerned.

For bonus points, have some heavy try to bully the shy player’s character so that the Alpha’s character can come to the rescue. This really cements the roles and relationship between the two.

11. Coupling Shy Players with Shy NPCs

Yet another technique is to throw a shy NPC into the party who ‘adopts’ the shy player’s PC as his protector, teacher, hero and/or parent-figure. The shy player feels the responsibility and forgets – at least partially – their personal shyness. As the shy player comes out of his shell, so does the NPC.

This is slower than some of the other techniques but – if it works at all – works well in conjunction with most of the other suggestions.

12. Side Chatter as a warm-up

It’s often the case that once a shy player gets started, they are perfectly able to express themselves – it’s just that they are normally finished speaking before they get ‘warmed up’. Encouraging them to engage in side-chatter in character, in-game before offering their opinions on something can achieve that warming-up before they get to the important bit. Their character’s favorite phrase should become, “this reminds me of the time…”

At first, you may have to provide the anecdotes, or help the player come up with them, but eventually they will be creating them for themselves.

Enhance this by occasionally mentioning that the characters are around the campfire, listening to [shy player’s character] concoct another tall tale for your entertainment, or winning free ales in the tavern by entertaining the patrons, or whatever. Making this a roleplaying touchstone to the character gets the player used to speaking out.

13. Encouragement Awards

Most GMs factor character abilities into determining how difficult an encounter was, and hence what rewards should be provided. I like to, and try to, factor in the player’s abilities as well. Making a positive suggestion is twice as hard for a shy player, and so they deserve a greater reward for the effort.

This probably shouldn’t be anything as crass as extra gold or experience points. Other forms of reward are preferable. Allied with suggestion 12, this can be a potent technique for turning encounters into a parley – “[PC] starts telling another of his anecdotes. The [encounter leader] stops to listen. When the brief tale is over, he bursts out laughing. ‘MORE!’ he roars.” A combat encounter has just become a roleplaying encounter, with the shy player’s PC in the forefront, and an NPC has just offered positive reinforcement

This won’t happen every time, of course. But even a little can go a long way.

14. Be a Supportive Focus

Have you ever noticed how many shy players will look at the floor, or at their character sheet, while speaking? Submissive behavior like this is another of the symptoms of shyness. Instead, encourage them to focus their attention on you while they are speaking.

Not only does this help them forget (momentarily) that there are other people at the table, but you can use your body language to encourage them – nodding your head and so on. And look at them when you ask a question.

To facilitate this, you need to make a move that will lead some GMs uttering howls of protest: you need to ditch the GM Screen. The shy player needs to see you reacting positively to his speaking up.

The other plank of this technique is no easier: go a little softer on the PCs when they are following a suggestion of the shy player, even if it’s not a great idea that’s been accepted by the others. If you encourage him or her to speak up and then kill the party when they listen, it sends all the wrong messages to the players, and especially, to the shy player. If you need to redress the balance, you can be a little meaner the next time they don’t listen, or simply reduce the reward they achieve from the softened encounter.

Get the players to pay attention to you and then send the right signals.

15. Private Rehearsals

This technique employs the theory that if you can give a shy player a single starring scene in a day’s play, it will form a wedge into their shyness, enabling them to eventually transcend their problem.

Tell the player (privately, and days in advance) that there will be a scene during the next day’s play in which their character will have to publicly address X on the subject Y, where X is someone important or a crowd of specific demeanor or affiliation. “Thundervall will have to make a speech to persuade an angry crowd not to take justice into their own hands,” for example.

This gives the player the chance to draft his character’s speech in advance, and even to rehearse it a time or two – which should help them deliver it in front of the other players, as I know from experience (see 9 above). It does NOT deliver the context of the situation to the player – why the crowd are angry, who they are angry at, whether or not they are justified, etc (it might even be an anticipated reaction by the other PCs!) – so they will need to adjust their prepared speech on the fly, but should have the confidence to do so from their rehearsals, especially if this has been pointed out to them at the same time that the GM offered up the hint.

The prep and practice makes the player more comfortable and able to deliver his lines, and the absence of context forces the player to roleplay, not just recite. Once they get used to doing so, they will start speaking up at other times.

If you think this is unfair to the other players, you can drop them the occasional hint along similar lines. Just make sure you leave something out of your advance briefing! A character who is supposed to be an experienced soldier or expert tactician might be given a tactical problem to think over in advance, for example.

This technique is all about the GM helping a character to do the things in-game that he is supposed to be good at – helping a shy player overcome their shyness is a side-benefit of getting them to interact more substantially or forcefully on a regular basis.

16. Encouraging Aphorism Of The Day

There are thousands of aphorisms out there that are either directly related to self-worth, self-confidence, self-expression, or can be interpreted as being relevant. Compile a list of them (to be refreshed when necessary) and at the start of each day’s play, give one to the player to think about as play proceeds.

Personally, this technique doesn’t do much for me, but others find it valuable. It would also help if the aphorism was in some way directly relevant to the planned events of the day. Selecting the aphorism in advance and using it as inspiration makes this relatively easy.

An example might be “For evil to triumph, all that is needed is for good men to remain silent” – though I would probably replace “men” with a gender- and race- neutral term like “people” to make it more generally applicable.

17. Positive Reinforcement

If the player makes a positive suggestion, call it out. Provide as much positive reinforcement as you can, and squash negative reinforcement immediately.

The Shyness Inequality

All players may be equal in the eyes of the game system, but the reality can be very different. Some players inevitably have greater handicaps to overcome simply to make a contribution, never mind competing on equal terms with the typical player who has no difficulty expressing themselves. It follows that the GM should take these impairments into account in order to more closely approach that idealized equality.

This assists those players who have such handicaps to improve, so that they can truly become the equal of the other players at the table.

The shy player deserves just as much opportunity to have fun as the more outspoken player. Creating that opportunity is your responsibility as the GM. Your group, and your game, improve as a result. And it’s also the decent thing to do.